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about

A true story. Like all science, beard science can be used for good... or for bad.

lyrics

Out in the deepest, darkest woods
Lived a scientist who is quite insane
Doing experiments most unnatural
To bring his dead beard to life again

He puts a clip on each single hair
Then turns on the electricity
My god, the beard is starting to move
And is struggling to tear itself free

Weird beard science
Forbidden knowledge that we should not know
Weird beard science
Some beards never were meant to grow

The beard runs across the floor and evades all pursuit
Outside, the storm ranges on
The beard leaps for the window and makes its escape
Never shaved, and yet, it is gone

Out in their tent, a teen couple embraces
Excited for what the night brings
But then the beard bursts through the flap, and the couple both stare
At the remarkable, hairy thing

Weird beard science
A beard by nature is innocent and free
Weird beard science
But some beards never were meant to be

When the bodies were found the very next day
The coroner’s verdict was clear
Both died from jealous heartbreak when they realized
They could never grow such a great beard

So let this be a lesson if you go to the woods
Of the danger that lurks inside there
Who cares about fire, who cares about wolves
Be afraid of the faceless facial hair

credits

from Spooky Beard Campfire Songs, released June 30, 2021

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all rights reserved

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Opinionated Whiskers

We've dedicated our lives to the gospel of the whisker.

Thank you for growing yours!

Or, if you haven't, we hope to show you the error of your ways.

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