1. |
Bearded Brando
02:21
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Out in wild wilderness
The clean shaven fear to tread
Lest Bearded Brando cast his eyes
Upon your beardless head
If your neck is hidden by a beard
He’ll leave you well alone
But if you leave your neck exposed
You’ll reap what you have sown
Bearded Brando likes to see everyone wear a beard
‘Round here folks without one, they all tend to disappear
Bearded Brando has a razor and it likes to slice
Beardless folk who wander here soon will pay his price
So if you’re lost and find yourself
In these woods late at night
You’d best hope you have facial hair
‘Cause then you’ll be all right
But if you do not have a beard
There’s nothing more to say
I doubt your fuzzless baby face
Will see another day
Bearded Brando likes to see everyone wear a beard
I admit that Bearded Brando is a little weird
Maybe it’s a compulsion, perhaps he chose this role
But Bearded Brando hates the beardless, deep inside his soul
Bearded Brando
So misunderstood
Don’t people understand it’s for the greater good
Bearded Brando
Some folks think you’re bad
But it’s just that seeing beardless people makes you so mad
Bearded Brando likes to see everyone wear a beard
‘Round here folks without one, they all tend to disappear
Bearded Brando has a razor and it likes to slice
Beardless folk who wander here soon will pay his price
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2. |
Bigfoot Beard Contest
02:16
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Walking in the forest I heard a cheer
And the stomping of big feet that sounded near
I peered through the branches and to my surprise
Saw a crowd of giant Sasquatch right before my eyes
Several of them stood before the crowd
Fluffing their facial hair and looking proud
That’s when I realized I needn’t fear
It was a friendly competition for the very best beard
Bigfoot beard contest
Which Sasquatch’s beard is best
They’re hairy all over, as you might have guessed
But their beards were spectacular I can attest
Some beards were long, some of them were wide
Some were dipped in fruit and were colorfully dyed
They looked like they were having lots of fun.
But truth be told, there was especially one
Whose beard looked better than all the rest
From my hiding place, I was very impressed
But when I turned to go, imagine my surprise
To be staring into curious Bigfoot eyes
Bigfoot beard contest
Which Sasquatch’s beard is best
They’re hairy all over, as you might have guessed
But their beards were spectacular I can attest
He looked at my beard, then pointed at the stage
When I stood before the crowd, the champ howled in rage
I don’t like to brag, but my beard is a sight
And it was clear to all that I had won this fight
Then the big Sasquatch bowed down to me
And invited me to join their community
And though he may be a Bigfoot, and I may be man
Together we are joined in the bearded clan
Bigfoot beard contest
It turns out my beard is best
I’m hairy all over, as you might have guessed
But my beard is spectacular they can attest
Bigfoot beard contest
Which Sasquatch’s beard is best
They’re hairy all over, as you might have guessed
But their beards are spectacular I can attest
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3. |
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My once beloved murdered me with razor ‘cross my neck
Then sliced my beard off with her blade and left it all a wreck
Cursed each single hair then tossed each one into a well
And worked an ancient magic to consign them all to hell
Oh dearest don’t you know that shaven beards just grow again
But on whose face will they grow you will not know until then
They found my once beloved lying strangled in her bed
The killer never found, but this is what the gossip said
On her face had grown a beard in course of single night
That wrapped around her neck and choked til darkness took her light
Oh dearest don’t you know that shaven beards just grow again
But whose face will they grow on you will not know until then
Oh dearest don’t you know that cutting beards won’t go as planned
And now we’re bound forever with the whiskers of the damned
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4. |
Weird Beard Science
02:11
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Out in the deepest, darkest woods
Lived a scientist who is quite insane
Doing experiments most unnatural
To bring his dead beard to life again
He puts a clip on each single hair
Then turns on the electricity
My god, the beard is starting to move
And is struggling to tear itself free
Weird beard science
Forbidden knowledge that we should not know
Weird beard science
Some beards never were meant to grow
The beard runs across the floor and evades all pursuit
Outside, the storm ranges on
The beard leaps for the window and makes its escape
Never shaved, and yet, it is gone
Out in their tent, a teen couple embraces
Excited for what the night brings
But then the beard bursts through the flap, and the couple both stare
At the remarkable, hairy thing
Weird beard science
A beard by nature is innocent and free
Weird beard science
But some beards never were meant to be
When the bodies were found the very next day
The coroner’s verdict was clear
Both died from jealous heartbreak when they realized
They could never grow such a great beard
So let this be a lesson if you go to the woods
Of the danger that lurks inside there
Who cares about fire, who cares about wolves
Be afraid of the faceless facial hair
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5. |
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My beard has swallowed up my head
Can’t see anybody, can’t hear what you said
My beard has swallowed up my head
My beard is gonna live my life instead
One morning I decided not to shave my face
I didn’t think it was that big of a deal
The next day, the next week, the next month the same
I guess I kind of fell asleep at the wheel
My beard has swallowed up my head
I thought I was stylish but I was misled
My beard has swallowed up my head
At least my head will keep my beard well fed
It covers my head from neck to scalp
A giant mass of solid hair
It thinks for me, it decides what I do
Does anyone notice out there?
My beard has swallowed up my head
I’ve torn at it, I’ve cried and pled
My beard has swallowed up my head
Am I alive, or am I already dead
My beard has
My beard has
My beard has
My beard has swallowed my head
My beard has
My beard has
My beard has
My beard has swallowed my head
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Opinionated Whiskers
We've dedicated our lives to the gospel of the whisker.
Thank you for growing yours!
Or, if you haven't, we hope to show you the error of your ways.
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