VERSE 1

When my twin sons were five years old they each had a plan for success
One earned first place at his school science fair so good for him I guess
He stood up for bullied classmates and read a new book each day
Everyone said how lucky I was and I’d say sure, he’s OK

My other son liked to watch TV and put his finger in his nose
Already at five he seemed kind of mean, but that's just the way it goes
But one day he drew all over his face with a black marker as I came near
And with a big smile, he said "Just like dad, one day I'll have a great beard"

CHORUS

That's my boy
That’s my boy
People thought he was up to no good
I knew that one day he’d do me proud
And grow the best whiskers that anyone could

VERSE 2

When my twin sons were thirty years old they'd succeeded to different degrees
One graduated from medical school and worked on genetic disease
But though he volunteered at kids’ cancer wards, that did not lighten my disgrace
He had a rare genetic disorder and couldn’t grow hair on his face

My other son liked to hang out at bars and steal wallets from passed out drunks
His options were limited after he'd gone to ditch digging school and flunked
But even when bouncers caught him in the act and tossed him in the trash in the rear
He still looked good even flying through the air because of his big bushy beard

CHORUS

That's my boy
That’s my boy
People thought he was up to no good
I knew that one day he’d do me proud
And grow the most whiskers that anyone could

BRIDGE

I moved to a nursing home
When I grew old
Where my doctor son visits me

He says that with funds
Earmarked for cancer research
He’s made a new gene therapy

He built a new virus that
Makes every man
And woman, and child, grow a beard

Tears come to my eyes
I reach out for a hug
I can barely believe my ears

Here's my other son too
And he joins in the hug
The feeling of love fills the air

Just like the virus
That we now let loose
That will bless you all with facial hair

[Tonight’s special report: leading survey says babies cuter than ever now that they have beards. Also: fun and fasionabke beard styling activities the whole family can enjoy!]

CHORUS

That's my boy
That’s my boy
I always wondered if he would make good
But now is the day that he’s done me proud
And grown the best whiskers that anyone could

These are my boys
These are my boys
People say they both are up to no good
But today is the day they’ve both made me proud
And grown the most whiskers that anyone could