For Those About To Grow Your Beard (We Salute You)

by Opinionated Whiskers

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about

Some people might say that writing a whole album about beards is silly.

Some people might think that dedicating your life to pursuit of the ultimate facial hair is a waste of time.

Those people are wrong.

credits

released December 3, 2017

All music / lyrics / performance (c) 2017 Opinionated Whiskers / NoneMaySay.com

license

all rights reserved

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about

Opinionated Whiskers

We've dedicated our lives to the gospel of the whisker.

Thank you for growing yours!

Or, if you haven't, we hope to show you the error of your ways.

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Contact Opinionated Whiskers

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Track Name: For Those About to Grow Your Beard (We Salute You)
Let’s beard
Oh Yeah

VERSE 1

When I was a boy, soon becoming a man
I feared that my life would pass without plan
But at the fortune teller tent at the county fair
I found four bearded gentlemen with perfect hair

The whiskers of the first went down to his knees
The beard of the second as round as you please
Sideburns on the third stretched a foot in space
The fourth so fuzzy couldn’t see his face

They said,

CHORUS 1

“For those about to grow your beard
We salute you
For those who are not sheep to be sheared
We salute you”

VERSE 2

They said, “now that you are coming of age
It’s time you take your place on life’s stage
A boy’s face is smooth, but that’s in the past
It’s time you met your destiny at last”

Now I spend my days preaching the word
That it’s time to break from the beardless herd
If your life seems empty, alone or bad
Just grow a beard, you’ll no longer feel sad

CHORUS 2

For those about to grow your beard
I salute you
For those who did while others sneered
I salute you

BRIDGE

My mom was on her deathbed
Not much strength or life within
She said her last wish was to see
Her handsome baby’s chin
Everyone said I should do it
That my beard would soon regrow
But every hair is special
So I had to tell her no

CHORUS 3

For those about to grow your beard
We salute you
For those with patchy whiskers who persevered
We salute you

For those about to grow your beard
We salute you
For those who are not sheep to be sheared
We salute you
Track Name: The Beard Makes the Man
VERSE 1

One thing that everyone should know
Like these words a beard can flow
It may start small but it will grow
And before long it will show / you the way
To live every day
In pursuit of follicle display
So start right now, do not delay
Put down your razor, and do not sha-ve
Your face any more
Let the natural state restore
With hair growing out of every pore
Your beard will be hardcore / you’ll say “goddamn
‘Bout time I began”
But you finally got with the plan
And at long last you are finally a man

CHORUS

The beard makes the man makes the beard makes the man (x3)
The beard makes the / beard makes the / beard makes the man

VERSE 2

Is it easy as that, you may well ask
Is being manly as simple a task as
Growing a beard, a face fuzz mask
The answer is yes, and the beardless will bask / in the sight
Of your beard of might
Full and strong and sure to excite
The passion and envy which are quite
The normal response of anyone you invite
Into your life
Do you want a partner? Looking for a wife?
You can reach your goal without any strife
Don’t need a gun or knife / just grow your beard (ECHO)
Now you’re respected and you’re feared
All self-doubt has disappeared
And as a man you are revered

I mean, I don’t really know how else to say it.

CHORUS
Track Name: If I Have to Choose (It's You I'm Leaving Behind)
VERSE 1

We were / soul mates from the day we met
Now our wedding date is set
So it’s with great sadness and regret
That I say I think you’ll never really get / me

From the moment we fell in each other’s stare
You’ve always said I look debonair
So you’ll understand why I think it’s unfair
That you suddenly demand that I be facial hair / free

CHORUS 1

You say our love will go on and on
But for our wedding day, you want my whiskers gone
You seem shocked to hear that I’ve declined

I’d do for you most anything I’m able
But shaving my beard is not on the table
So if I have to choose, it’s you I’m leaving behind

VERSE 2

You seem a little bit surprised
That I come as advertised
Though my love for you is highly prized
There’s one thing I will never compromise

So take me or leave me as I am
Like back in school, it’s a pass/fail exam
Accept my beard or I may as well scram
Our marriage otherwise would merely be a sham

CHORUS 2

How can we spend our lives as one
If my whiskers make you run
This facial fuzz is how I am designed

I’d do for you most anything I’m able
But shaving my beard is not on the table
So if iI have to choose, it’s you I’m leaving behind

BRIDGE

Don’t make me choose
Don’t make me choose
Don’t make me choose
‘Cause if you do you’re gonna lose


CHORUS 3

I’m sorry that it’s come to this
I’ll always long for your tender kiss
But asking me to shave is more than just unkind

I’d do for you most anything I’m able
But shaving my beard is not on the table
If it comes to a choice, you’re the one I’m leaving behind
So if I have to choose, it’s you I’m leaving behind

If it comes to a choice, it’s you I’m leaving behind
Track Name: Outlaw
VERSES 1 & 2

The man on TV said "there's a killer on the loose
If you see him, get out of that place
You'll recognize him by his coal black eyes
And the massive beard on his face"

The lady in my bed fastened her bra
And grabbed my wallet, took a hundred dollar bill
She said "It sounds like you better get out of town
They're out to get you, and pretty soon they will"

She grabbed me by the beard, said "get rid of that thing
If you cut your hair, maybe you can disappear
As it is now, your picture's everywhere
There's not a goddamn chance in hell that you'll make it out of here"

I slapped her cross the face and let out a laugh
And said, "lady, I know we just met
But I'm telling you now, I'll never shave my beard
No matter how close the cops may get"

CHORUS

I've robbed, I've killed, I've been real bad
But this is the first time I've gotten mad
I'm a long-time veteran of foul play
But nothing as cold-blooded as cutting my beard away

VERSE 3

The lady left my motel room an hour ago
The law has already arrived
Given all the heat and the glare in their eyes
It doesn't look good I'll survive

A man holding a bullhorn calls out my name
Says I should come out with my hands in the air
Or I can put up a fight, and then they'll settle for my corpse
And bury it shorn of facial hair

CHORUS

BRIDGE

The rage boils up
As I punch a hole
In the wall by the ancient kitchenette

I reach my hand in
And break the gas line
I'm not one for feeling regret

As the smell fills the room
I call out to the cops
And dare them to come after me

I put a cigarette
In my mouth
Then light the match that will set me free

CHORUS
Track Name: Waiting in Line (A Beard Story)
VERSE 1

I was waiting in line
At the local drug store
A new razor in my hand

I’d landed a job
In a fancy office
And they made a firm demand

That I shave off my beard
And go clean-chinned
They thought it was more dignified

And though it cut my soul
I had a family to feed
So I would do it, though it killed me inside

CHORUS

Life isn’t fair
Life isn’t fair
Dear god, how life isn’t fair

Having to choose
Between feeding my kids
Or keeping my facial hair

VERSE 2

As I advanced in the line
The man in front of me
Turned and saw what I held in my hand

Though I couldn’t see his mouth
Through his big bushy beard
His voice boomed in irate command

He said, “put away that razor
Don’t you dare to buy it
Cutting whiskers like your takes a toll

Making money is good
But it’s not a fair trade
To get some cash for selling your soul”

CHORUS

Life isn’t fair
Life isn’t fair
Dear god, how life isn’t fair

Having to choose
Between paying your rent
Or keeping your facial hair

BRIDGE

And then as one, each person in line
Added their voice to the mix
And like a beard
Made up of single hairs
There’s no problem this crowd couldn’t fix

They said “keep your beard, forget that job
Don’t worry about making your rent
With a beard like that, we’ll all chip in
Because your whiskers are heaven sent”

CHORUS

Life is great
Life is grand
I was so happy I broke down and cried

Now I’ll never shave
Never trim or cut
I know my beard will always provide
Track Name: That's My Boy (My Son and My Other Son)
VERSE 1

When my twin sons were five years old they each had a plan for success
One earned first place at his school science fair so good for him I guess
He stood up for bullied classmates and read a new book each day
Everyone said how lucky I was and I’d say sure, he’s OK

My other son liked to watch TV and put his finger in his nose
Already at five he seemed kind of mean, but that's just the way it goes
But one day he drew all over his face with a black marker as I came near
And with a big smile, he said "Just like dad, one day I'll have a great beard"

CHORUS

That's my boy
That’s my boy
People thought he was up to no good
I knew that one day he’d do me proud
And grow the best whiskers that anyone could

VERSE 2

When my twin sons were thirty years old they'd succeeded to different degrees
One graduated from medical school and worked on genetic disease
But though he volunteered at kids’ cancer wards, that did not lighten my disgrace
He had a rare genetic disorder and couldn’t grow hair on his face

My other son liked to hang out at bars and steal wallets from passed out drunks
His options were limited after he'd gone to ditch digging school and flunked
But even when bouncers caught him in the act and tossed him in the trash in the rear
He still looked good even flying through the air because of his big bushy beard

CHORUS

That's my boy
That’s my boy
People thought he was up to no good
I knew that one day he’d do me proud
And grow the most whiskers that anyone could

BRIDGE

I moved to a nursing home
When I grew old
Where my doctor son visits me

He says that with funds
Earmarked for cancer research
He’s made a new gene therapy

He built a new virus that
Makes every man
And woman, and child, grow a beard

Tears come to my eyes
I reach out for a hug
I can barely believe my ears

Here's my other son too
And he joins in the hug
The feeling of love fills the air

Just like the virus
That we now let loose
That will bless you all with facial hair

[Tonight’s special report: leading survey says babies cuter than ever now that they have beards. Also: fun and fasionabke beard styling activities the whole family can enjoy!]

CHORUS

That's my boy
That’s my boy
I always wondered if he would make good
But now is the day that he’s done me proud
And grown the best whiskers that anyone could

These are my boys
These are my boys
People say they both are up to no good
But today is the day they’ve both made me proud
And grown the most whiskers that anyone could
Track Name: Happy Song
VERSE 1

I wake up
Ready to start my day
There ain’t nothing
Gonna get in my way
The sun is shining
And from my bed I see
A whole beautiful day laid out in front of me

CHORUS

I’ve got that special feeling
When all is right
And you know nothing can go wrong
The sky is blue
The grass is green
And I’m singing my happy song

VERSE 2

I stand up
Jog twenty seconds in place
Go to the bathroom
Splash water on my face
Get out my contacts
Put them in my eyes
Look in the mirror
That’s when I realize

[RECORD SCRATCH]

My beard is gone. My beard is gone! What the hell happened! I’m clean shaven! I look like a goddamn baby’s ass! Where the hell is my beard! Who did this? How did this happen? Someone is going pay for this! It’s like a nightmare…

[ALARM CLOCK]

What… what the… oh. It was just a dream.

VERSE 3

I wake up for real
Ready to start my day
There ain’t nothing this time
Gonna get in my way
The sun is shining
And from my bed I see
A whole beautiful day laid out in front of me

CHORUS

I’ve got that special feeling
When all is right
And you know nothing can go wrong
The sky is blue
The grass is green
And I’m singing my happy song

VERSE 4

I roll over
And nudge my wife
She’s my best friend
She’s the love of my life
I say honey,
You won’t believe my dream
But then ...

[NOTE: YOU MUST LISTEN TO THE TRACK TO HEAR THE SHOCKING TWIST ENDING!]
Track Name: Werewolves of Sunset Park
VERSE 1

The sign above the gate says open
Sunrise to sunset
But as dark falls the packs arrive
Prepared to place their bets
On which champion will claim the prize
Of privilege to lead
All the ancient werewolf families
A most discerning breed

CHORUS 1

They growl and they howl
Under light of the moon
Their hair stands on end
For the fight

They bicker and they snicker
The battle starts soon
Their sprouting fur is
Quite a sight

VERSE 2

The contenders step into the ring
Surrounded by their pack
Not one bares his tearing fangs
Not one starts to attack
They stand in a straight line
Without bloodshed, death or doom
This contest is decided
Based on who is the best groomed

CHORUS 2

They growl and they howl
Under light of the moon
Their hair stands on end
For the fight

They snarl and they quarrel
And their lady folk swoon
Their beards grow longer
At night

BRIDGE

The champion is crowned
Not from sharp claw or brutish strength
But on softness of his fur
And measuring his whisker length

If you look good on the outside
Then that's all they need to know
Perfect clothes and perfect hair
Those werewolves put on quite a show

CHORUS 1

CHORUS 2
Track Name: The Robot's Lament
VERSE 1

As a robot
I am superior
Much stronger
More brains

But though I’m better
By every measure
One deficiency
Causes me pain

My skin
Is flexi-metal
My face
Perfectly geared

It can
Withstand atomic blasts
It cannot
Grow a beard

CHORUS

I do not want to feel hunger and hatred
Machines are better without compare
But I would give up my mechanical perfection
If only I could have facial hair

VERSE 2

I travel to
The human sanctuary
At the exhibit
One stands there proud

I ask him
How he can be so happy
He looks out at
The mechanical crowd

He says
“I may be in a cage
But my beard
Is wild and free

For now
I am your prisoner
But you’ll never look
As cool as me”

CHORUS

I do not want to feel hunger and hatred
Machines are better without compare
But I would give up my mechanical perfection
If only I could have facial hair

BRIDGE

Why was I not made a real man?
I am surrounded by my kind but feel so alone
I would trade it all to be like him
Locked in a cage, but with a beard to call my own

CHORUS

I do not want to be perfect
Being perfect fills me with despair
Because I am not really perfect at all
If I cannot have facial hair

I do not want to feel hunger and hatred
Machines are better without compare
But I would give up my mechanical perfection
If only I could have facial hair
Track Name: (You Wanna Touch) My Beard
VERSE 1 & 2

I see you
Check me out too
The time for talk is over
There’s just one thing left to do

You’ve been ensnared
Your need is bared
You’ve been searching your whole life
And I know you’re feeling scared

Your hand moves
In its own groove
Don’t try to fight it
You’ve got nothing to prove

Your eyes go slow
They look below
No need to say it
I already know

CHORUS 1

You wanna touch my beard
Nothing to fear

You wanna touch my beard
It’s very clear

You wanna touch my beard

VERSE 3

There’s no need
To beg or plead
I’m giving you permission
So go on and do the deed

I insist
You can’t resist
This is the something
Your life has sorely missed

CHORUS 2

You wanna touch my beard
It’s hanging near
Nothing to fear

You wanna touch my beard
It isn’t weird
It’s very clear

You wanna touch my beard

VERSE 4

Prickly but sweet
Wild but neat
Other men may grow beards too
But they simply can’t compete

The game is done
And I have won
Let’s go back to my place
For some private whisker fun

CHORUS 3

You wanna touch my beard
It’s hanging near
Nothing to fear
A new frontier

You wanna touch my beard
It isn’t weird
It’s very clear
Come over here

You wanna touch my beard

BRIDGE

Touch it… touch it… touch it…
Touch the beard

CHORUS 3 (repeat)
Track Name: The Persecution of Joseph Palmer (An Actually True Story)
VERSE 1

Joseph Palmer was born in 1789
And came from a proud American line
He fought for the US in the 1812 war
Just like his father in the Revolution before

A simple Massachusetts farmer, he led a simple life
Providing for his mom, his son, his wife
Honest and kind, he was devoted to his God
Which led him to a choice that some found most odd

Now when the colonies started, everyone had beards
But by 1720, they’d completely disappeared
Not a single whiskered face for 100 years
Out of fashion and ungodly, for a face not to be sheer

But good old Joe thought being shaven a disgrace
Every Biblical figure had hair on his face
And though he had to know it would go against the flow
Joseph decided to let his beard grow

CHORUS

Wearing the beard

VERSE 2

But in 1830, the way Joe looked
Put him in a difficult spot
And you might think it's all a joke,
But I promise you it's not

His beard caused widespread scorn and derision
Vandals tore up his home; moms used his name to scare their children
Wherever he went, townsfolk would laugh and scoff
But Joe was resolute; he refused to shave it off

Then at the communion service one day,
the Reverend George skipped Joe
He said, “If you really were one with God,
you’d know the beard has got to go.”
Joe grabbed the cup and drank it down
Because he knew it wasn’t true
He said “I understand Jesus, just as well,
or maybe better than any of you.”

A few days later while shopping for food
He had an encounter that was more than just rude
Four hooligans attacked with scissors, razor and knife
Pushed him to the ground and said “your beard or your life”
Joe had never been so afraid
But lucky for him, he had his own pocket blade
He defended himself, and struck two in their thighs
And scared them all off, the bullies denied.

CHORUS

Wearing the beard

VERSE 3

The beard survived, but Joe was dragged to court
An unprovoked attack, was his victims’ report
And since everyone in town hated Joe
That was the truth as far as they cared to know

The judge ordered Joe to pay a hefty fine
Though payment meant freedom, Joe chose to decline
He said “The way I look should not be a crime, but
If you think that I’m a criminal then let me serve my time.”

{Brief instrumental interlude}

Joe kept a journal of his time in jail
A report which survives to this day
He was beaten, and starved, and thrown in solitary
All for refusing to shave

But Joe knew what injustice was
And knew others would see it too
So he spent his days sending letter after letter
So everyone would know what he was going through

And soon, sure enough, the press picked up his tale
First in Boston and then nationwide
He’d been thrown in jail as a criminal
But now the whole country was on his side

Though the public looked down on a bearded face
The ideal of freedom held sway
America may not have liked Joe Palmer’s beard
But it was still un-American to lock him away

CHORUS

Wearing the beard

VERSE 4

Soon the town fathers, embarrassed far and wide
Decided they’d had enough, and so they tried
To get Joe to quietly leave his cell
First they lowered his fine, then threw out the rest as well

But Joe was a stubborn sort, and so refused to leave
Unless the judge gave him an official decree
That having a beard is not against the law
But a freedom permitted to him and to all

{“If I ain’t a safe person to have my Liberty I ought not to go out. And I am willing to stay in confinement ’til I am!”}

Joe stayed in jail for over a year
And was not at all inclined to just disappear
So his jailers could figure out only one course:
They tied him to a chair and they dragged him out by force

CHORUS 4

Wearing the beard

VERSE 5

Joe lived a long life after leaving jail
And always tried to do good
An Abolitionist, naturalist, Trancendentalist
Accepting anyone, as everyone should

He never bowed down to the whims of the world
Or got caught-up in popular fears
And by the time he died in 1873
All of America had again embraced the beard

And as the end neared, he saw old Reverend George
And the man had hair on his face
So Joe Palmer approached, and said with a smile
"I'm happy to see that you're living in grace."

Today Joe Palmer rests beneath a giant stone marker
That strikes the ignorant as quite weird
Right below a carving of his whiskered face, it reads:
Persecuted for wearing the beard
Track Name: Don't Reject Your Beard (Every Whisker is Unique)
VERSE 1

Every day I am thankful
That although I'm going bald
I have a full and flowing beard
That stays with me through it all

When times get very tough
When people let me down
I run my fingers through by beard
It turns my whole day around

I'd never want to loose even
A solitary whisker
Though some people look at me strange
To shave is not the answer

I know that each and every hair
Fills a special role
If I plucked even one out
I'd feel the gaping hole

CHORUS

Don't reject your beard
Every whisker is unique
If someone says to cut it off
Don’t turn the other cheek

Don't reject your beard
Not a single strand
A beard is at its strongest
When you let every hair stand

VERSE 2

My beard may be unruly but
It's still part of my face
Each hair adds as much as the next
All have their place

Some hairs are turning grey
And though I try to look my best
Some are bent or oddly twist
Some stick out from the rest

I’d plainly look much neater
If I went with a goatee
But keeping the whole tangled mess
Is what makes me, me

And the fact my beard looks different
Is not reason to hate
It’s what makes my beard so special
It’s what makes our union great

CHORUS

Don't reject your beard
Let it fill you up with pride
If someone says to cut it off
Tell them "request denied"

Don't reject your beard
Not a single strand
A beard is at its strongest
When you let every hair stand

BRIDGE

A beard is nothing but single hairs
Each is small but nothing compares
To their power when they join as one
These 30,000 hairs won’t be outdone

A beard is nothing but single hairs
Each is small but nothing compares
To their power when they join as one
These 30,000 hairs have only begun

CHORUS

Don't reject your beard
Every whisker is unique
If someone says to cut it off
Don’t turn the other cheek

Don't reject your beard
Let it fill you up with pride
If someone says to cut it off
Tell them "request denied"

Don't reject your beard
Not a solitary strand
A beard is at its strongest
When you let every hair stand
Track Name: Two Out of Three
I’ve got a beard on my chin
A moustache ‘neath my nose
But my scalp is all bald
That’s just the way it goes.

Two out of three, man

Two out of three
Two out of three
But the two that I’ve got
Are plenty for me

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