Let’s beard Oh Yeah VERSE 1 When I was a boy, soon becoming a man I feared that my life would pass without plan But at the fortune teller tent at the county fair I found four bearded gentlemen with perfect hair The whiskers of the first went down to his knees The beard of the second as round as you please Sideburns on the third stretched a foot in space The fourth so fuzzy couldn’t see his face They said, CHORUS 1 “For those about to grow your beard We salute you For those who are not sheep to be sheared We salute you” VERSE 2 They said, “now that you are coming of age It’s time you take your place on life’s stage A boy’s face is smooth, but that’s in the past It’s time you met your destiny at last” Now I spend my days preaching the word That it’s time to break from the beardless herd If your life seems empty, alone or bad Just grow a beard, you’ll no longer feel sad CHORUS 2 For those about to grow your beard I salute you For those who did while others sneered I salute you BRIDGE My mom was on her deathbed Not much strength or life within She said her last wish was to see Her handsome baby’s chin Everyone said I should do it That my beard would soon regrow But every hair is special So I had to tell her no CHORUS 3 For those about to grow your beard We salute you For those with patchy whiskers who persevered We salute you For those about to grow your beard We salute you For those who are not sheep to be sheared We salute you

VERSE 1 One thing that everyone should know Like these words a beard can flow It may start small but it will grow And before long it will show / you the way To live every day In pursuit of follicle display So start right now, do not delay Put down your razor, and do not sha-ve Your face any more Let the natural state restore With hair growing out of every pore Your beard will be hardcore / you’ll say “goddamn ‘Bout time I began” But you finally got with the plan And at long last you are finally a man CHORUS The beard makes the man makes the beard makes the man (x3) The beard makes the / beard makes the / beard makes the man VERSE 2 Is it easy as that, you may well ask Is being manly as simple a task as Growing a beard, a face fuzz mask The answer is yes, and the beardless will bask / in the sight Of your beard of might Full and strong and sure to excite The passion and envy which are quite The normal response of anyone you invite Into your life Do you want a partner? Looking for a wife? You can reach your goal without any strife Don’t need a gun or knife / just grow your beard (ECHO) Now you’re respected and you’re feared All self-doubt has disappeared And as a man you are revered I mean, I don’t really know how else to say it. CHORUS

VERSE 1 We were / soul mates from the day we met Now our wedding date is set So it’s with great sadness and regret That I say I think you’ll never really get / me From the moment we fell in each other’s stare You’ve always said I look debonair So you’ll understand why I think it’s unfair That you suddenly demand that I be facial hair / free CHORUS 1 You say our love will go on and on But for our wedding day, you want my whiskers gone You seem shocked to hear that I’ve declined I’d do for you most anything I’m able But shaving my beard is not on the table So if I have to choose, it’s you I’m leaving behind VERSE 2 You seem a little bit surprised That I come as advertised Though my love for you is highly prized There’s one thing I will never compromise So take me or leave me as I am Like back in school, it’s a pass/fail exam Accept my beard or I may as well scram Our marriage otherwise would merely be a sham CHORUS 2 How can we spend our lives as one If my whiskers make you run This facial fuzz is how I am designed I’d do for you most anything I’m able But shaving my beard is not on the table So if iI have to choose, it’s you I’m leaving behind BRIDGE Don’t make me choose Don’t make me choose Don’t make me choose ‘Cause if you do you’re gonna lose CHORUS 3 I’m sorry that it’s come to this I’ll always long for your tender kiss But asking me to shave is more than just unkind I’d do for you most anything I’m able But shaving my beard is not on the table If it comes to a choice, you’re the one I’m leaving behind So if I have to choose, it’s you I’m leaving behind If it comes to a choice, it’s you I’m leaving behind

VERSES 1 & 2 The man on TV said "there's a killer on the loose If you see him, get out of that place You'll recognize him by his coal black eyes And the massive beard on his face" The lady in my bed fastened her bra And grabbed my wallet, took a hundred dollar bill She said "It sounds like you better get out of town They're out to get you, and pretty soon they will" She grabbed me by the beard, said "get rid of that thing If you cut your hair, maybe you can disappear As it is now, your picture's everywhere There's not a goddamn chance in hell that you'll make it out of here" I slapped her cross the face and let out a laugh And said, "lady, I know we just met But I'm telling you now, I'll never shave my beard No matter how close the cops may get" CHORUS I've robbed, I've killed, I've been real bad But this is the first time I've gotten mad I'm a long-time veteran of foul play But nothing as cold-blooded as cutting my beard away VERSE 3 The lady left my motel room an hour ago The law has already arrived Given all the heat and the glare in their eyes It doesn't look good I'll survive A man holding a bullhorn calls out my name Says I should come out with my hands in the air Or I can put up a fight, and then they'll settle for my corpse And bury it shorn of facial hair CHORUS BRIDGE The rage boils up As I punch a hole In the wall by the ancient kitchenette I reach my hand in And break the gas line I'm not one for feeling regret As the smell fills the room I call out to the cops And dare them to come after me I put a cigarette In my mouth Then light the match that will set me free CHORUS

VERSE 1 I was waiting in line At the local drug store A new razor in my hand I’d landed a job In a fancy office And they made a firm demand That I shave off my beard And go clean-chinned They thought it was more dignified And though it cut my soul I had a family to feed So I would do it, though it killed me inside CHORUS Life isn’t fair Life isn’t fair Dear god, how life isn’t fair Having to choose Between feeding my kids Or keeping my facial hair VERSE 2 As I advanced in the line The man in front of me Turned and saw what I held in my hand Though I couldn’t see his mouth Through his big bushy beard His voice boomed in irate command He said, “put away that razor Don’t you dare to buy it Cutting whiskers like your takes a toll Making money is good But it’s not a fair trade To get some cash for selling your soul” CHORUS Life isn’t fair Life isn’t fair Dear god, how life isn’t fair Having to choose Between paying your rent Or keeping your facial hair BRIDGE And then as one, each person in line Added their voice to the mix And like a beard Made up of single hairs There’s no problem this crowd couldn’t fix They said “keep your beard, forget that job Don’t worry about making your rent With a beard like that, we’ll all chip in Because your whiskers are heaven sent” CHORUS Life is great Life is grand I was so happy I broke down and cried Now I’ll never shave Never trim or cut I know my beard will always provide

VERSE 1 When my twin sons were five years old they each had a plan for success One earned first place at his school science fair so good for him I guess He stood up for bullied classmates and read a new book each day Everyone said how lucky I was and I’d say sure, he’s OK My other son liked to watch TV and put his finger in his nose Already at five he seemed kind of mean, but that's just the way it goes But one day he drew all over his face with a black marker as I came near And with a big smile, he said "Just like dad, one day I'll have a great beard" CHORUS That's my boy That’s my boy People thought he was up to no good I knew that one day he’d do me proud And grow the best whiskers that anyone could VERSE 2 When my twin sons were thirty years old they'd succeeded to different degrees One graduated from medical school and worked on genetic disease But though he volunteered at kids’ cancer wards, that did not lighten my disgrace He had a rare genetic disorder and couldn’t grow hair on his face My other son liked to hang out at bars and steal wallets from passed out drunks His options were limited after he'd gone to ditch digging school and flunked But even when bouncers caught him in the act and tossed him in the trash in the rear He still looked good even flying through the air because of his big bushy beard CHORUS That's my boy That’s my boy People thought he was up to no good I knew that one day he’d do me proud And grow the most whiskers that anyone could BRIDGE I moved to a nursing home When I grew old Where my doctor son visits me He says that with funds Earmarked for cancer research He’s made a new gene therapy He built a new virus that Makes every man And woman, and child, grow a beard Tears come to my eyes I reach out for a hug I can barely believe my ears Here's my other son too And he joins in the hug The feeling of love fills the air Just like the virus That we now let loose That will bless you all with facial hair [Tonight’s special report: leading survey says babies cuter than ever now that they have beards. Also: fun and fasionabke beard styling activities the whole family can enjoy!] CHORUS That's my boy That’s my boy I always wondered if he would make good But now is the day that he’s done me proud And grown the best whiskers that anyone could These are my boys These are my boys People say they both are up to no good But today is the day they’ve both made me proud And grown the most whiskers that anyone could

VERSE 1 I wake up Ready to start my day There ain’t nothing Gonna get in my way The sun is shining And from my bed I see A whole beautiful day laid out in front of me CHORUS I’ve got that special feeling When all is right And you know nothing can go wrong The sky is blue The grass is green And I’m singing my happy song VERSE 2 I stand up Jog twenty seconds in place Go to the bathroom Splash water on my face Get out my contacts Put them in my eyes Look in the mirror That’s when I realize [RECORD SCRATCH] My beard is gone. My beard is gone! What the hell happened! I’m clean shaven! I look like a goddamn baby’s ass! Where the hell is my beard! Who did this? How did this happen? Someone is going pay for this! It’s like a nightmare… [ALARM CLOCK] What… what the… oh. It was just a dream. VERSE 3 I wake up for real Ready to start my day There ain’t nothing this time Gonna get in my way The sun is shining And from my bed I see A whole beautiful day laid out in front of me CHORUS I’ve got that special feeling When all is right And you know nothing can go wrong The sky is blue The grass is green And I’m singing my happy song VERSE 4 I roll over And nudge my wife She’s my best friend She’s the love of my life I say honey, You won’t believe my dream But then ... [NOTE: YOU MUST LISTEN TO THE TRACK TO HEAR THE SHOCKING TWIST ENDING!]

VERSE 1 The sign above the gate says open Sunrise to sunset But as dark falls the packs arrive Prepared to place their bets On which champion will claim the prize Of privilege to lead All the ancient werewolf families A most discerning breed CHORUS 1 They growl and they howl Under light of the moon Their hair stands on end For the fight They bicker and they snicker The battle starts soon Their sprouting fur is Quite a sight VERSE 2 The contenders step into the ring Surrounded by their pack Not one bares his tearing fangs Not one starts to attack They stand in a straight line Without bloodshed, death or doom This contest is decided Based on who is the best groomed CHORUS 2 They growl and they howl Under light of the moon Their hair stands on end For the fight They snarl and they quarrel And their lady folk swoon Their beards grow longer At night BRIDGE The champion is crowned Not from sharp claw or brutish strength But on softness of his fur And measuring his whisker length If you look good on the outside Then that's all they need to know Perfect clothes and perfect hair Those werewolves put on quite a show CHORUS 1 CHORUS 2

VERSE 1 As a robot I am superior Much stronger More brains But though I’m better By every measure One deficiency Causes me pain My skin Is flexi-metal My face Perfectly geared It can Withstand atomic blasts It cannot Grow a beard CHORUS I do not want to feel hunger and hatred Machines are better without compare But I would give up my mechanical perfection If only I could have facial hair VERSE 2 I travel to The human sanctuary At the exhibit One stands there proud I ask him How he can be so happy He looks out at The mechanical crowd He says “I may be in a cage But my beard Is wild and free For now I am your prisoner But you’ll never look As cool as me” CHORUS I do not want to feel hunger and hatred Machines are better without compare But I would give up my mechanical perfection If only I could have facial hair BRIDGE Why was I not made a real man? I am surrounded by my kind but feel so alone I would trade it all to be like him Locked in a cage, but with a beard to call my own CHORUS I do not want to be perfect Being perfect fills me with despair Because I am not really perfect at all If I cannot have facial hair I do not want to feel hunger and hatred Machines are better without compare But I would give up my mechanical perfection If only I could have facial hair

VERSE 1 & 2 I see you Check me out too The time for talk is over There’s just one thing left to do You’ve been ensnared Your need is bared You’ve been searching your whole life And I know you’re feeling scared Your hand moves In its own groove Don’t try to fight it You’ve got nothing to prove Your eyes go slow They look below No need to say it I already know CHORUS 1 You wanna touch my beard Nothing to fear You wanna touch my beard It’s very clear You wanna touch my beard VERSE 3 There’s no need To beg or plead I’m giving you permission So go on and do the deed I insist You can’t resist This is the something Your life has sorely missed CHORUS 2 You wanna touch my beard It’s hanging near Nothing to fear You wanna touch my beard It isn’t weird It’s very clear You wanna touch my beard VERSE 4 Prickly but sweet Wild but neat Other men may grow beards too But they simply can’t compete The game is done And I have won Let’s go back to my place For some private whisker fun CHORUS 3 You wanna touch my beard It’s hanging near Nothing to fear A new frontier You wanna touch my beard It isn’t weird It’s very clear Come over here You wanna touch my beard BRIDGE Touch it… touch it… touch it… Touch the beard CHORUS 3 (repeat)

VERSE 1 Joseph Palmer was born in 1789 And came from a proud American line He fought for the US in the 1812 war Just like his father in the Revolution before A simple Massachusetts farmer, he led a simple life Providing for his mom, his son, his wife Honest and kind, he was devoted to his God Which led him to a choice that some found most odd Now when the colonies started, everyone had beards But by 1720, they’d completely disappeared Not a single whiskered face for 100 years Out of fashion and ungodly, for a face not to be sheer But good old Joe thought being shaven a disgrace Every Biblical figure had hair on his face And though he had to know it would go against the flow Joseph decided to let his beard grow CHORUS Wearing the beard VERSE 2 But in 1830, the way Joe looked Put him in a difficult spot And you might think it's all a joke, But I promise you it's not His beard caused widespread scorn and derision Vandals tore up his home; moms used his name to scare their children Wherever he went, townsfolk would laugh and scoff But Joe was resolute; he refused to shave it off Then at the communion service one day, the Reverend George skipped Joe He said, “If you really were one with God, you’d know the beard has got to go.” Joe grabbed the cup and drank it down Because he knew it wasn’t true He said “I understand Jesus, just as well, or maybe better than any of you.” A few days later while shopping for food He had an encounter that was more than just rude Four hooligans attacked with scissors, razor and knife Pushed him to the ground and said “your beard or your life” Joe had never been so afraid But lucky for him, he had his own pocket blade He defended himself, and struck two in their thighs And scared them all off, the bullies denied. CHORUS Wearing the beard VERSE 3 The beard survived, but Joe was dragged to court An unprovoked attack, was his victims’ report And since everyone in town hated Joe That was the truth as far as they cared to know The judge ordered Joe to pay a hefty fine Though payment meant freedom, Joe chose to decline He said “The way I look should not be a crime, but If you think that I’m a criminal then let me serve my time.” {Brief instrumental interlude} Joe kept a journal of his time in jail A report which survives to this day He was beaten, and starved, and thrown in solitary All for refusing to shave But Joe knew what injustice was And knew others would see it too So he spent his days sending letter after letter So everyone would know what he was going through And soon, sure enough, the press picked up his tale First in Boston and then nationwide He’d been thrown in jail as a criminal But now the whole country was on his side Though the public looked down on a bearded face The ideal of freedom held sway America may not have liked Joe Palmer’s beard But it was still un-American to lock him away CHORUS Wearing the beard VERSE 4 Soon the town fathers, embarrassed far and wide Decided they’d had enough, and so they tried To get Joe to quietly leave his cell First they lowered his fine, then threw out the rest as well But Joe was a stubborn sort, and so refused to leave Unless the judge gave him an official decree That having a beard is not against the law But a freedom permitted to him and to all {“If I ain’t a safe person to have my Liberty I ought not to go out. And I am willing to stay in confinement ’til I am!”} Joe stayed in jail for over a year And was not at all inclined to just disappear So his jailers could figure out only one course: They tied him to a chair and they dragged him out by force CHORUS 4 Wearing the beard VERSE 5 Joe lived a long life after leaving jail And always tried to do good An Abolitionist, naturalist, Trancendentalist Accepting anyone, as everyone should He never bowed down to the whims of the world Or got caught-up in popular fears And by the time he died in 1873 All of America had again embraced the beard And as the end neared, he saw old Reverend George And the man had hair on his face So Joe Palmer approached, and said with a smile "I'm happy to see that you're living in grace." Today Joe Palmer rests beneath a giant stone marker That strikes the ignorant as quite weird Right below a carving of his whiskered face, it reads: Persecuted for wearing the beard

VERSE 1 Every day I am thankful That although I'm going bald I have a full and flowing beard That stays with me through it all When times get very tough When people let me down I run my fingers through by beard It turns my whole day around I'd never want to loose even A solitary whisker Though some people look at me strange To shave is not the answer I know that each and every hair Fills a special role If I plucked even one out I'd feel the gaping hole CHORUS Don't reject your beard Every whisker is unique If someone says to cut it off Don’t turn the other cheek Don't reject your beard Not a single strand A beard is at its strongest When you let every hair stand VERSE 2 My beard may be unruly but It's still part of my face Each hair adds as much as the next All have their place Some hairs are turning grey And though I try to look my best Some are bent or oddly twist Some stick out from the rest I’d plainly look much neater If I went with a goatee But keeping the whole tangled mess Is what makes me, me And the fact my beard looks different Is not reason to hate It’s what makes my beard so special It’s what makes our union great CHORUS Don't reject your beard Let it fill you up with pride If someone says to cut it off Tell them "request denied" Don't reject your beard Not a single strand A beard is at its strongest When you let every hair stand BRIDGE A beard is nothing but single hairs Each is small but nothing compares To their power when they join as one These 30,000 hairs won’t be outdone A beard is nothing but single hairs Each is small but nothing compares To their power when they join as one These 30,000 hairs have only begun CHORUS Don't reject your beard Every whisker is unique If someone says to cut it off Don’t turn the other cheek Don't reject your beard Let it fill you up with pride If someone says to cut it off Tell them "request denied" Don't reject your beard Not a solitary strand A beard is at its strongest When you let every hair stand

I’ve got a beard on my chin A moustache ‘neath my nose But my scalp is all bald That’s just the way it goes. Two out of three, man Two out of three Two out of three But the two that I’ve got Are plenty for me